Third times a charm

Well, started my third medication yesterday. After missing around 10 days of work on the second medication we tried, and feeling extremely druggy and groggy every morning for a week, we decided to try another medication. It kind of feels like the game that never ends. I have hope, though, that eventually we will find a medication that will work with my body.

We have been praying a lot about the future lately. Praying for my student teaching, especially. I'm afraid that, since it doesn't seem like any of the medications are really working, that my feeling "good" right now is actually just me being manic. What scares me is that I have been feeling very energized during the day and night, and often am not getting very good sleep at night. This is what happens in the bipolar cycle. You go and go and go with tons of energy, and then all of a sudden you crash. Emotionally and physically, you crash as hard as the high you were on.

I'm afraid that I'm going to crash in January, after the buzz of the holidays and school being finished. I can't afford to not go to my school for student teaching, so I'm not sure what I will do if that happens. I'll get through it, but it's still a little bit scary.

I got an email from a friend the other day, with this quote:

“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintry light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen.”

ernest hemigway, a moveable feast

At first as I was reading it, I thought she was maybe quoting something I had said or written once. It so clearly reflected the pain and struggle I feel when fall begins to wrap up and winter sets in. The holidays are just so painful, and even with the excitement of establishing new traditions with Jeremy, I feel so tired inside. My heart just doesn't quite know how to rejoice during Christmas. I just really miss my mom, and grieve for the loss of my first family. Although so much has been restored, there's still a huge part of my that wishes we could sit around the table, joking with each other as a family. My mom would have loved how funny Mike and Josh have become, and would delight so greatly in who Hannah is. I just wish we somehow could have those moments. Even though I love my stepmom and step siblings and rejoice for the redemption God has granted my family, I still can't help but miss her. A lot.

Still, like the quote alludes to, I hope in the future, in the times where my heart will thaw out and I will feel hopeful again. Until that time, I will continue to hope despite my feelings, which is a discipline I am thankful to be learning at such a young age.