June 22, 2011

doors

My husband and I have been working through the details of our next step recently.

I met with my psychiatrist a few weeks ago to discuss medication approved to take during pregnancy. There is one medication (that I am on now, and is working great!) that is approved for 2nd and 3rd trimester. But my secondary medication, which I really need to be stable and happy, is not approved for pregnancy. And even this medication that is approved is only approved for 2nd and 3rd, which would mean I would have to be off all medication while we were trying to get pregnant up through the 3rd trimester. The only alternative medication there is available is electroshock therapy, which is where you go in three times a week for as long as is needed for the doctors to give your brain a controlled seizure in your brain. Scary.

So we have been praying through this a lot. And to be honest, even though the door isn't completely closed, I am definitely grieving. I have dreamed of being pregnant for such a long time. And my mom loved being pregnant, so I grew up dreaming about how great it would be, how good it would feel, how wonderful that time would be.

I have had some good conversations with some dear women over the past week that have helped me see other options we have, however. Adoption is something that has always been on our hearts, something we considered even if we did have a few of our own children biologically. And my friend Ashley gave me a lot of hope about the process of adoption, the joy of mother hood, and, as she put it, how genes don't matter at all when it comes to loving your child.

The door to biological children feels like it's closing, but there's this amazing process happening in my heart, a  process of joyful expectation, looking forward to a different type of pregnancy and waiting, a different type of laboring.

We have been praying and talking a lot about becoming Foster Parents. This is something fairly new in our minds, but is taking root quickly as we talk about what it means to be Jesus in this world. We both have such full hearts when we realize that bringing a child into a home where he or she can be loved without reserve or conditions is exactly what God our Father has and is doing for us. Especially me.

Yesterday I was crying in the shower, feeling heavy hearted, praying about becoming foster parents, closing one door, walking through another seemingly open door.

I got out of the shower, looked on facebook, and saw a recent post from the local children's emergency care home, a plea for people to become foster parents. Apparently they are experiencing the greatest shortage ever right now in our area, having to turn down 30 children every week that need to be placed in a home.

We're still not absolutely certain about anything and are taking slow steps, but that definitely felt like a bit of confirmation from the Lord that there is a definite need, and that he has planted the desire in our hearts to meet that need.

It really is breathing life into me to be a part of something bigger than me, and bigger even than the dreams I had for myself.

As Jeremy put it yesterday, this marriage has brought us into a new season of choosing not to live life selfishly or for ourselves. It gives us a lot of joy to think of sacrificing for the sake of the gospel, giving up our independence and opening our hearts and home to love children who need security, hope and love. We know it wouldn't be easy. In fact, reading about sexual and physical abuse in children has us both very aware of just how difficult this could be. But when God calls you to something, all of a sudden those scary things that you never thought you would do begin to feel like exactly what you have to do.

We have an informational meeting on Thursday night. Pray for us. Pray that our hearts would be united, that the timing would be God's and not ours, and that we would continue to grow in knowing Jesus, our Father who has rescued us from darkness and brought us into his family as adopted heirs.