April 11, 2011

"Loneliness does not come from being alone, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important."

I was just thinking about my mom a few minutes ago, and how much I miss her. And then I read this quote and thought "That is why I miss her so much."

There's a part of me that just feels alone, like there's just not the right person to open up this part of my heart, the part of my heart that my mother owned and cared for so gently and generously. 

I miss her so much for so many reasons. There are just so many important things that I wish I could tell her.

I know that she didn't hold all of the answers, but it sure feels like she would have some good advice for some of the struggles I am facing right now.

Ohhh how my throat burns with the ways that I miss her.

April 7, 2011


There's a verb in Spanish that is used to express something that used to be. I used to go to the beach. I used to run every day. I used to eat chocolate cake for breakfast. The verb is soler.

Tonight I am in a state of soler. I am grieving the loss of the person I used to be.

I used to be so many things that I find now are not a part of who I am.

I fear that I am losing myself. And honestly, I just don't really love the person I have become. I am having to get to know myself all over again. I spent many awfully painful, long years getting to myself in junior high. Those years were awkward, gawky, emotional and stupid. And now, here I am again. Having to figure out how to redefine and understand the person I am becoming.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up anymore.

But I do know that I don't want to be miserable. I refuse to accept misery as the main status. And I know joy is a choice. And I feel like I have done a pretty good job choosing joy this school year. But deep cries from somewhere inside me hope that perhaps there is something that will fulfill, something that will make me feel alive, something that will motivate me to try and think and pursue things bigger than me.

I used to think I could be a writer someday.

I used to think I would love being a teacher.

I used to think my depression wouldn't be permanent.

I used to have so many hopes for the future.

I used to I used to I used to.

I feel like my medication, my diagnosis, and many other things have changed so many factors in my life. Chemically I feel different. Mentally I don't feel the same. I feel completely different in such weird, foreign ways. And now I feel like I have been left with a bunch of "used to's" and "if only's", which really, in the end, aren't much to hold onto.