January 2, 2011

the same place

I wrote this post a year ago (January 4th, 2010), in which I took a look at my walk with the Lord and reflected on changes that I was seeing in my life. Part of that post included the following thoughts:

"I have been in a spiritual funk for...quite a while. I don't know why it happened, specifically, but I do know that my senior year of high school was the most alive I have ever felt spiritually. My freshman year was a struggle for a while (that was the beginning of severe depression for me) but still, there were some really sweet times with the Lord, and I was still fervently in the word, reading Christian literature, journaling like crazy. My sophomore year was even harder, with the fall of that year bringing about some of the deepest struggles of my life. But yet again, though there were definitely dry spells, my time with the Lord was rejuvenating, sweet, life-giving.

I never thought I would be here two years later, yet I find myself lost, not sure how I got so far off the path...I used to long for scripture. I used to love reading and journaling and learning about the character of God. Now I just feel very ho-hum about things. This is definitely not the way I want things to be. But it's hard to know where to go from here.

I'm not really one for resolutions. I gave up on them a long time ago. But although there is no plan or implementation process, I am indeed resolved to not be in the same place one year from now. Jeremy and I talked, and it seems that the best place to start is to just start being in the Word again."

I'm a bit discouraged to admit that the resolve to not be in the "same place" a year from then has not quite come to fruition. In many ways, I am exactly where I was a year ago: a bit weary, confused, uncertain, disillusioned. But looking through my blogging from this year, I can still see traces of God's faithfulness, confirmation that though this land looks very barren and similar to my wanderings a year ago, God has not abandoned me. I have to believe that He has not left me to fend for myself. And I have to try, with as much as my heart can muster, to believe that He is still the Author of this story, the Perfecter of my faith.

My hope is that a year from now, I will look back on this year as the year when I finally gained confidence (and maybe a little bit of insight) into the process of prayer. Perhaps also this will be the year that I am able to stand up again and take a few steps with Jesus. And maybe this will be the year that I see my heart begin to mend in the areas of hurts and disappointments deep rooted and difficult to sort out, issues that have kept me in this area of disillusionment and mistrust. Perhaps this is a year where I will see some change come about in this heart of mine.