my lot

I have been feeling really good lately. Other than a bit of grogginess from the side effects of the medication I'm on, I have been functioning very well. I wake up tired but happy, energized, glad to be alive. I fall asleep happy, [still energized...am I manic?] and glad to be alive.

But in the secret whispers of my heart, I have been wading through fear of the future. Even writing this now, tears flood to my eyes...tears that I have tried to suppress.

I'm so afraid of who I will be 10 years from now. Will I always have to be on medication? Will I be a stable mother? Will I love Jeremy well? What about my dreams, my hopes, my grandiose goals for my life? Will I be a good teacher? Will I be sad all the time? Will I get to live overseas? Will I ever get to live out the dream that I've dreamed since I was 7 years old?...will I get to be a missionary?

I think toward the future and I feel so defeated and hopeless. I hate this illness. I hate it so much. I used to be such a risk taker, so fearless, so capable.

And now, I sit crumpled in the corner of my heart, pondering whether I will be able to stand the "me" that I am becoming. I wonder if I will regret or resent my life. I wonder if God will be able to use me, if any missions board would believe in me enough to support me.

I feel crippled. yes, that's the word. I feel like my heart, my emotions, my hopes are crippled.

I think about the book Hinds Feet on High Places, and I wonder if my fate is the same as Much Afraid's...to walk with the companions Sorrow and Suffering. Is that God's will for my life?

Oh, I have such a hard time embracing that. I feel so self-righteously entitled to a season of life that doesn't include sorrow or suffering. And to be honest, for a few months I actually thought I might be emerging from 10 years of sorrow into a life of knowing God's presence, rejoicing, serving and feeling alive. It doesn't appear that is the lot God is giving me.

I think about the verse in Psalm 16: the Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup. You support my lot.

He is my inheritance. He is my cup. He supports that which he gives me to walk through.

Oh God, the simplicity of knowing you and loving you have never really been mine, not without the puffy eyes and choked voice that comes from my journey with sorrow and suffering.

How long, Lord?

How long? Will I really be like this forever? Is it not enough that I've dealt with this for 15 years? Oh Jesus, I need your salvation now more than ever. Be my refuge, please. I have no where else to go.