prayer

So I'm reading this book right now. Slowly plodding through the deep issues associated with prayer. Does God hear us? Does he respond? Does he change things according to our prayers?

It has been a very refreshing read for me. Philip Yancey is the most thought provoking, honest, bold writer I have ever read. Especially in the real of Christian books. He isn't afraid to challenge Christian's thinking, and he definitely isn't afraid to question the way God does things... but he does so in a non-blasphemous way. It's really just another way that he honors God: by exploring Who he is and why he does/doesn't do the things He does.

I really want to learn how to pray. I want to believe in it. I want to know God. I want to want to want to be with him daily. I wish my heart desired him more. I'm not afraid of being honest with God...but to be brutally honest to all three of you readers, there is a secret part of me that is still hoping there's a way out of reality as we know it.

What I mean is, I still secretly am trying to find a way to not be an eternal being, to not be accountable for life, and to not long for significance that will probably never be mine. I'm trying to find ways to love God and trust Him in the midst of all of this, but right now it feels like every dream I have ever had, every aspiration, ever hope, has been smashed by the hammer of BI-POLAR syndrome. Not to be dramatic...but any decision I want to make, any dream I want to pursue, is overshadowed by the one question: what if I fall apart again? What if I can't handle the weight of it. What if I never feel good on medication? What if what if what if?

I'm trying really hard to believe that God knew the plans he had for me long before i was conceived. That he know I was going to be bi-polar. He knew how it would affect our life, our marriage, our future family, our ministry. And still, here I am, still emotionally unstable, possibly manic, wondering if God actually hears or responds to anything I pray.

I wish my heart could conform to the image of His Son.
Until that day, I suppose I'll just keep reading about Prayer and hope that something will eventually soak in and change me.