press on

Four and a half weeks ago my doctors and I decided that since my body wasn't responding to medication well, it might be a good idea for me to stop taking the meds for a stint of time, just to see how I would feel without them. I was hoping for a glorious recovery, to suddenly discover that I don't feel sad or depressed, that I can life a normal life and be happy without a pill. I started to feel more energized and normal at first. Now I just feel like I'm in a pit. I'm so frustrated and so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I took a sick day yesterday, but life goes on. Here I am at work now, tired and not really wanting to be trudging along in this struggle we call life.

So we're trying to decide what to do now. What's the right decision when medication makes me tired and zombie-ish, but not being on meds doesn't feel so great either? There are so many people out there who feel like taking pills for a mental/emotional struggle isn't godly. If I could just trust Jesus enough, right? But that doesn't seem to be how this works. I do trust Jesus, and we pray for healing. He is my refuge, my hope. But still, my options feel very limited. Jeremy doesn't think I should quit school, which seems like a nice option to me. I am contemplating eliminating work... but it's hard to make rational decisions when everything inside me feels a teensy.bit.crazy.

I used to hate quick-fix Bible verses. It bugged me so much [and still does] when people would quote scripture flippantly, as if saying a few words would fix everything. The truth is, there are no quick fixes. But I do find solace and a bit of grounding in Truth--not quick fix verses, but life-giving Truth.

For the LORD will not reject his people;
he will never forsake his inheritance.
Unless the LORD had given me help,
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me.
[psalm 94:14,17-18]

For now it seems that the best option is to press on, believing that the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead will carry me through this season of inner-death and struggle. Maybe He will raise me from the dead as well.