I have felt kind of strange for a while now. I haven't felt like myself. I feel off, not quite right. This feeling of not-quite-rightness has been hanging over me for a long time...almost two years now. Two years is a long time to feel not like yourself.
I can't figure out what the deal is. I'm happy. I know what I want to be when I grow up. I have friends that love me, and an amazing husband. My relationship with my family is better than it has ever been. But sometime still doesn't feel quite right.
I don't feel it all the time...but at night, before I go to bed, I feel it. When my eyes fall upon my unused journal, I feel it. When I remember how happy I used to be in my walk with the Lord, I feel it. And I don't know why, but I just can't figure things out.
I feel like somewhere along the road, I changed. Something changed inside me, something shifted deep inside, and I haven't been able to catch my bearings ever since then. I don't know when it happened, or what happened...all I have is the weird feeling that hangs in the quiet places of my heart.
I used to love spending time with God. I used to be so close to Him. I used to go to Him for everything- happy, sad, good, bad. Now I don't know what I think. I don't know how to relate to Him. I don't know how to pray. I don't know how to be anything spiritual. I don't even feel like I have the capacity for spirituality anymore. I know that isn't true, but I feel like a secret switch got turned off, and I can't get myself to switch back into gear until I figure out what went wrong in the first place.
This is all very obscure and abstract, I realize. If you have any light to shed, please do share. Until then, I just keep hoping that my meager attempts to continue toward the Lord are somehow a part of this redemptive story God is weaving. One can only hope.
I'm not in the exact same place, but I think I can relate on some level.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most essential points in the Christian life is understanding that our faith is inescapably rooted in the future. Hence we have Christ asking God's kingdom to come (b/c it isn't yet here) in the Lord's Prayer and Paul closing 2 Corinthians with "Our Lord come!" In the meantime, we live in a tension of already-not yet, which is every bit as confusing as the name implies. Already we are saved and Christ has conquered sin. But we have not yet experienced the fullness of his salvation and his reign. So without knowing the specifics of the situation, I'd say part of it is that living faithfully in the world means living in this tension. And I think it'd be more a cause for concern if you didn't feel that.
My two cents.