change

I laid in bed last night, thinking about the change that has happened in my life over the last two years. Although many, many things have changed in 2 years, what I was thinking about related to my relationship with God.

I have been in a spiritual funk for...quite a while. I don't know why it happened, specifically, but I do know that my senior year of high school was the most alive I have ever felt spiritually. My freshman year was a struggle for a while (that was the beginning of severe depression for me) but still, there were some really sweet times with the Lord, and I was still fervently in the word, reading Christian literature, journaling like crazy. My sophomore year was even harder, with the fall of that year bringing about some of the deepest struggles of my life. But yet again, though there were definitely dry spells, my time with the Lord was rejuvenating, sweet, life-giving.

I think it was the summer after my sophomore year that things started to change. That summer was when I had just started dating Jeremy. It was also the summer that I got severely depressed for no reason. It was a hard summer, and I think that is when I began to feel extremely disillusioned with Christianity, and very hopeless in regards to my walk with God.

I never thought I would be here two years later, yet I find myself lost, not sure how I got so far off the path...I used to long for scripture. I used to love reading and journaling and learning about the character of God. Now I just feel very ho-hum about things. This is definitely not the way I want things to be. But it's hard to know where to go from here.

I'm not really one for resolutions. I gave up on them a long time ago. But although there is no plan or implementation process, I am indeed resolved to not be in the same place one year from now. Jeremy and I talked, and it seems that the best place to start is to just start being in the Word again.

This isn't easy for me, as doing things that I don't feel like doing has never come easily to me. But, as I mentioned, I am resolved to do this. I'm not reading through my Bible in a year. I'm not giving myself an allotted time amount or chapter amount to read each day. But I am going to try to read the Word with more regularity than I have in the last two years.

perhaps this will be the year that I figure out how to trust God with the future, not fear what is to come, and finally develop a rhythm with the Lord that is not dependent on how I am feeling emotionally, but rather that is founded on the truth of who He is, and how much I need Him.