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December 30, 2009

fear of tomorrow

I have been holding my breath these last few weeks, wondering when the storm is going to hit again. The [not so] great part about this cute little disease is that you never know when it's going to strike. I have no idea when the next "low" is...and I'm afraid. Afraid that a week into my student teaching, I'm going to be depressed again. Afraid that the medication that I'm on, the low dose that we are slowly building on, will turn out to not be compatible with my body either. Afraid that my poor husband is going to have more terribly difficult months to deal with in the near future.

I know that I can't live in fear. I know that perfect love drives away fear--that in the presence of Jesus, I cannot-or at least should not- be afraid. But that doesn't stop the nagging thoughts, and the reality that this actually is going to happen eventually.

Bummer.

In other less depressing news, I have spent the past ten days of my life school free and LOVING it. I got to sleep in, eat whatever I wanted, be with my family, not once having to worry about homework, not once having to read something that I didn't feel like reading. It's glorious. And hopefully permanent.

And in the most exciting news of my last few days (drum roll) I finally have decided that I am capable of pulling off boots. I know, I know, where have I been right? But for some reason I haven't ever been able to convince myself that I could wear boots. Especially not tuck-your-jeans-in boots. But here I stand (sit), a boot-wearing 22 year old, proud of my new accomplishment.

Now, dear reader(s?) I am going to spend the next 9 hours of my life sitting in a cubicle reading Breaking Dawn, the most exciting aspect of my cubicle-bound existence this week.

love.

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