pretty good

"I know to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord...and from what I know of Him, that must be pretty good." [Sara Groves]

My mom is with Jesus. And my bet is, that's pretty good.

Miss her.

needs, prayers, and dreams

We had our first meeting with the foster care organization we are planning on working with last night. It was really encouraging. Throughout the conversation, we began to talk about the students who are least likely to be placed, and what types of "troubles" we would view as something we would not be willing to work with.

It's hard to say at this point. The hopeful part of me wants to bank on unconditional love and God's grace as coating any situation that we might enter into, but I know that doesn't mean it would be easy.

We are praying. Praying a lot right now. We have time. Our training doesn't start until October, which would mean that the soonest we could have children placed in our home would be around February. Which, honestly, feels really soon!

We are entering a new season of trust. It's just so crazy how my heart and my husband's heart is changing, being shaped by God for a new ministry.

Like, the ministry of giving hope and a home to pregnant teenage girls. Ever since it was mentioned last night as the most difficult to place, I haven't been able to stop thinking about these girls, homeless, pregnant, lost in a cycle they can't get out of without the grace of God.

Turns out that our type of situation is actually ideal for housing teenage girls who are expecting, because a lot of times foster homes turn them down because they already have young children, impressionable children, who they don't want being exposed to the complexities of that situation.

It makes me wonder whether or not we could do that. I just don't know. My heart aches for these girls, especially after watching one of my students carry a baby all through last school year. So we pray. And wait. And wonder what type of ministry God has in store for us.

I was at my friend's baby shower tonight. She's the first in our bible study to get pregnant. They talked about names. They felt her tummy. They showered her with gifts. And I'll be honest. There was a dull ache in my heart. But to be honest, it's less and less every day. Because there is a new growth in my heart now, a new dream. And now I find myself making room for plans bigger than mine, plans different, yes, but oh so beautiful.

I think of the experiences I have lived through, the families God has blessed us with, and the gifts and abilities Jeremy and I both have, and I smile thinking that God has something so specifically perfect in mind for us, it will surpass whatever we initially thought was the ideal family we would someday have.

I always wanted a big family. I wanted lots of pictures on the walls, lots of weddings to plan, lots of birthdays and celebrations and tons of kids gathered around the Christmas tree. And it seems like, in a special way, God may exceed my expectations. I wanted 5 kids. But it actually seems like we might get the chance to help care for more than I even imagined. That is amazing to me. A dream that makes me feel so alive and hopeful I just can't believe how sweet Jesus is.

doors

My husband and I have been working through the details of our next step recently.

I met with my psychiatrist a few weeks ago to discuss medication approved to take during pregnancy. There is one medication (that I am on now, and is working great!) that is approved for 2nd and 3rd trimester. But my secondary medication, which I really need to be stable and happy, is not approved for pregnancy. And even this medication that is approved is only approved for 2nd and 3rd, which would mean I would have to be off all medication while we were trying to get pregnant up through the 3rd trimester. The only alternative medication there is available is electroshock therapy, which is where you go in three times a week for as long as is needed for the doctors to give your brain a controlled seizure in your brain. Scary.

So we have been praying through this a lot. And to be honest, even though the door isn't completely closed, I am definitely grieving. I have dreamed of being pregnant for such a long time. And my mom loved being pregnant, so I grew up dreaming about how great it would be, how good it would feel, how wonderful that time would be.

I have had some good conversations with some dear women over the past week that have helped me see other options we have, however. Adoption is something that has always been on our hearts, something we considered even if we did have a few of our own children biologically. And my friend Ashley gave me a lot of hope about the process of adoption, the joy of mother hood, and, as she put it, how genes don't matter at all when it comes to loving your child.

The door to biological children feels like it's closing, but there's this amazing process happening in my heart, a  process of joyful expectation, looking forward to a different type of pregnancy and waiting, a different type of laboring.

We have been praying and talking a lot about becoming Foster Parents. This is something fairly new in our minds, but is taking root quickly as we talk about what it means to be Jesus in this world. We both have such full hearts when we realize that bringing a child into a home where he or she can be loved without reserve or conditions is exactly what God our Father has and is doing for us. Especially me.

Yesterday I was crying in the shower, feeling heavy hearted, praying about becoming foster parents, closing one door, walking through another seemingly open door.

I got out of the shower, looked on facebook, and saw a recent post from the local children's emergency care home, a plea for people to become foster parents. Apparently they are experiencing the greatest shortage ever right now in our area, having to turn down 30 children every week that need to be placed in a home.

We're still not absolutely certain about anything and are taking slow steps, but that definitely felt like a bit of confirmation from the Lord that there is a definite need, and that he has planted the desire in our hearts to meet that need.

It really is breathing life into me to be a part of something bigger than me, and bigger even than the dreams I had for myself.

As Jeremy put it yesterday, this marriage has brought us into a new season of choosing not to live life selfishly or for ourselves. It gives us a lot of joy to think of sacrificing for the sake of the gospel, giving up our independence and opening our hearts and home to love children who need security, hope and love. We know it wouldn't be easy. In fact, reading about sexual and physical abuse in children has us both very aware of just how difficult this could be. But when God calls you to something, all of a sudden those scary things that you never thought you would do begin to feel like exactly what you have to do.

We have an informational meeting on Thursday night. Pray for us. Pray that our hearts would be united, that the timing would be God's and not ours, and that we would continue to grow in knowing Jesus, our Father who has rescued us from darkness and brought us into his family as adopted heirs.

"Loneliness does not come from being alone, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important."

I was just thinking about my mom a few minutes ago, and how much I miss her. And then I read this quote and thought "That is why I miss her so much."

There's a part of me that just feels alone, like there's just not the right person to open up this part of my heart, the part of my heart that my mother owned and cared for so gently and generously. 

I miss her so much for so many reasons. There are just so many important things that I wish I could tell her.

I know that she didn't hold all of the answers, but it sure feels like she would have some good advice for some of the struggles I am facing right now.

Ohhh how my throat burns with the ways that I miss her.

soler

There's a verb in Spanish that is used to express something that used to be. I used to go to the beach. I used to run every day. I used to eat chocolate cake for breakfast. The verb is soler.

Tonight I am in a state of soler. I am grieving the loss of the person I used to be.

I used to be so many things that I find now are not a part of who I am.

I fear that I am losing myself. And honestly, I just don't really love the person I have become. I am having to get to know myself all over again. I spent many awfully painful, long years getting to myself in junior high. Those years were awkward, gawky, emotional and stupid. And now, here I am again. Having to figure out how to redefine and understand the person I am becoming.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up anymore.

But I do know that I don't want to be miserable. I refuse to accept misery as the main status. And I know joy is a choice. And I feel like I have done a pretty good job choosing joy this school year. But deep cries from somewhere inside me hope that perhaps there is something that will fulfill, something that will make me feel alive, something that will motivate me to try and think and pursue things bigger than me.


I used to think I could be a writer someday.

I used to think I would love being a teacher.

I used to think my depression wouldn't be permanent.

I used to have so many hopes for the future.

I used to I used to I used to.

I feel like my medication, my diagnosis, and many other things have changed so many factors in my life. Chemically I feel different. Mentally I don't feel the same. I feel completely different in such weird, foreign ways. And now I feel like I have been left with a bunch of "used to's" and "if only's", which really, in the end, aren't much to hold onto.

spring

It's that time of year again. It's so hard for me to remember spring when I'm in the midst of winter. So hard to remember the joy of feeling warm again, so hard to remember the sweet taste of Strawberry Limeades with sunlight on my face.

I love spring.

No really. I love spring.

Someone else I know loved spring. Perhaps she passed it on to me, as I grew up watching her delight in fresh budding trees and planting flowers and nature hikes through the park.

My mom loved spring. Today I miss her a lot.

Every time March comes around, I find myself remembering a lot. I remember her last year, the struggle of watching her life fade from this earth, the pain of wondering every morning, Is this the last time I will see her? Will I ever say "I love you" to her again? Those were hard months.

And yet, they were so beautiful. They are so beautiful. They are marked with grace, a special grace that only terminal illness can bring about.

For now I can't go on. Grief, so fresh, my companion for so many years, wraps itself around me tight, and my heart struggles to beat, much less deal with this deep, unending ache. Oh, how I miss her.

come visit me

I am a new author for my friend Jake's blog Notes from a small place.

I just posted my first entry. You can check it out here.

valentines day

I never got around to posting pictures from Valentines Day. It was a super fun evening with my hubby. I know Valentines Day is just a commercial holiday and blah blah blah but to be honest, after you've been married for a while it's easy to lose track of time and not make as many special evenings as you probably should. So for us, this was a really fun time to make a special dinner and have a date night.

We had steak and potatoes (yummmmm) and sauteed Asparagus (love)...

...and watched Once, one of my favorites which Jeremy had never seen before. The music is absolutely amazing, and the accents and different words (set in Ireland) are so much fun!

At school Jeremy sent me flowers, which was super special and fun. I still get butterflies in my stomach when he surprises me with sweet things like that.

A very fun reason to hang out with my best friend Jerbear, eat good food, and delight in a beautiful story.

love.

I love this bouquet. I have my thoughts about redoing my wedding. I literally dream about it, actually. And though I loved my bouquet, I think that I would probably change to this if I had the chance.

Also, this bouquet reminds me of my friend Whitney's wedding.

...By Poppies and Posies spotted on You are my Fave.

Grace

The sermon on Sunday got me thinking about grace. The topic of the sermon was "Grace at Home." My pastor talked about what it looks like to be a grace-based parent. It was very interesting and compelling for me as a future mother, but where it really hit home for me was in the area of teaching.

I found myself asking the question: What would it look like to have a grace-based classroom?

What would it look like to always look at the intentions of the child rather than their actions?

What would it look like to try to understand the child before I jump down their throat for behavior that doesn't fit my rule book?

He said Before you ever lecture a teenager, ask 10 questions.
I have tried doing this for the past two days. I can't believe how quickly it dissolves situations that I was getting upset about. As soon as I take a breath and try to see where the child is coming from, I realize that their intentions were not evil or cruel, they were just not what I was expecting, not what made me most comfortable.

I'm not all about kids ruling the classroom, but I do have to wonder, Do my kids know what grace is because of how I have treated them?
My pastor pointed out that for children, parents are the first and main God-figure they have in life. He asked the question Can you tell your child "Think about how I treat you. That's the way God treats us as His children." ?
Got me thinking about how powerful of an opportunity I have to impact that lives of these students. What if someday they are presented with the concept of grace, and they look back and realize that the reason they understand grace is because they experienced it with me? Wouldn't that be amazing?

I have been pondering this for the past few days now, trying to think of ways to implement grace into my classroom. It's a lifestyle, a choice, a belief. What I believe about grace impacts every decision I make as a teacher - and believe me, we make a LOT of decisions throughout the day.

The final point of the sermon was that of celebrating a child because of who they are, not based on what they have done, but based on grace. Just as God looks at us and celebrates us as His most prized possession based on His Grace, so also we should celebrate the lives of our children and students as a prized possession, not because of what they have done, but because they are God's masterpiece.

Having this perspective has certainly changed the way I view my students. It has made me a more gracious person. And hopefully is giving my students a deeper taste of what it means to be loved by a gracious God.