May 30, 2013

my story, His story

today I was reflecting on where I was one year ago, five years ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago, and felt so much wonder at the beautiful things God has woven into my story, which really is His story...

20 years ago, I started praying [every.day] for a little sister. my parents weren't planning on having any more children, but my mom [by faith] prayed with me about it anyways.

16 years ago my baby sister entered the world. I was thrilled, but not surprised. I had prayed, and God had answered.

10 years ago, I held my mom's hand, and watched her earthly body, wrought with disease, release her soul into eternity...she entered into True Life, and I am so honored to have been able to walk that journey with her.

8 years ago, we moved to Lincoln. I didn't know why, but I knew it was God's plan for our family.

7 years ago, I met my counselor, a woman who God used to help bring true healing to my weary soul.

6 years ago, I met my husband, though we didn't know it at the time. He thought I was Very Young, and I thought he was a Super-Nerd. We were both kind of right.

4 years ago, I was planning my wedding to my Favorite Super Nerd in the world.

2 years ago, we had just realized that getting pregnant was going to be very complicated, due to my severe depression and need to be on medication.

1.5 years ago, I went off medication (by faith) and we got pregnant (!)

1 year ago, I started praying that God would heal me from my depression. I so badly didn't want my daughter's story to include my sadness.

8 months ago, my daughter was born. Joy entered our lives in ways we never dreamed possible.

Today, by God's miraculous grace, it seems that I have been granted healing. Perhaps not forever, but for today at least, my feelings of depression, hopelessness, and sorrow have not returned. And my husband and I are so aware of the gift that this is, and we give so much thanks to the Giver of all good things.

A bit ago, as I peeked in at Elliot sleeping, my heart was filled with so many emotions.
Sorrow, wishing my mom could be here.
Peace, knowing that all that feels lost will one day be restored.
And joy. So much joy. Because, in the end, it's not the loss of a mother, a marriage to my best friend, chronic depression, or the birth of a daughter that defines my life.

This has been long journey, made up of small, often painful, steps of faith...Steps that, in the end, were leading me to know Jesus, to truly trust Him.

Maybe that seems simple or trite to some, but for me, the nearness of God is what my soul has truly longed for. And when my mind ventures toward the future, particularly towards fear of what may come, I am learning to rest in the truth that, no matter what the future holds, He will be there. 

2 comments:

  1. Yay! You are writing again. I love seeing your heart on "paper".

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  2. Kayla, I love your heart as it is revealed here. There are seasons of sadness, but God promises joy in the morning. So glad you've found your season of joy. Hugs.

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