introducing...

elliot kaylene 
born october 3, 2012
7 pounds 11 ounces
20.5 inches long

my favorite baby ever. 

one day old

4 weeks old

5 weeks old

7 weeks old

maternity pics - 36 weeks (Labor Day, 2012)

photography by Jared Goertzen at  momentitclicksphotography.com

the nursery

Well, it was a long process, but my amazing husband didn't give up, and the nursery is finally ready to go! I wish we had some good before pics - to summarize, it looked like a prison cell! :) Stone walls, concrete floor, cobwebby ceiling, pipes and vents exposed in the ceiling... it's a good feeling to have this finished! Our house when we moved in had a half-finished basement, so we moved our bedroom down into the large finished room and just lived with the unfinished part. It's amazing how refreshing it is to have it be so clean and ready for a baby!! Good work Jeremy!!

catching up...

Here are a couple of pictures I have managed to coerce people into taking of me. It's hard to take maternity pictures. Harder than I thought they would be. It's just so awkward. What do you do with your hands? Do you hold the belly? Do you put your (huge) arms at your side? What angle is the best angle to eliminate as many chins and rolls as possible? It's an endless combination of awkward pictures...but we managed to get one good(ish) picture at a wedding back in August...I would have been just hitting 7 months when this first picture was taken!

And then this picture was taken right before my Lincoln baby shower, which was right after I hit the big 3-2!

I normally would have posted a picture of me currently, at 37 weeks (tomorrow!), however that would mean permanent (VISUAL) documentation of this special time in life...you know, that time when you get ready and put on makeup and look at yourself and think "Oh yeah, I look gooooooood!" but really you just look "good" in comparison to what you looked like before you put on makeup, which was "really not good..." and then you get out into the real world full of non bloated/pregnant women, and suddenly you understand why people have been staring at you. It's not because you're beautiful and radiant. It's because they're trying to decide why your face is so huge. :)

I'm joking of course. I know that I'm still gorgeous. Why, just this morning, I was shoving myself into a pair of underwear in an amazing feat of balance and grace.  As I hoisted my legs up, squishing my huge belly into my rib cage to force myself into my undergarments, I thought "wow, this really is the epitome of beauty." And then, looking up at my husband as he choked back laughter (yes, he was watching me like we watch the monkeys attempt to do "normal human things" at the zoo) I saw it in his eyes as well. This really is a beautiful time.

 Hahah, okay, I'm done. Anyways, I'm super happy to have made it to 37 weeks. We're getting down to business now, and Elliot is starting to head-butt her way down toward the place where all of our dreams will come true, which is exciting (read-painful and awkward).

 At 37 weeks, she:

 -has perfected the art of kicking my ribs just soft enough to not break them, but definitely hard enough to give me the guilt-inducing experience of trying not to swear at my unborn child.

 -gets hiccups all the time. So cute (again, read- awkward...I can feel the little vibrations in all of the wrong places!) -has a "beautiful" heartbeat, according to all of the nurses. My little overachiever! I can't wait to see her ACT scores someday!!

 -Alternates between days where she never moves, sending me into a panic-induced phone call to the midwife and trips to the hospital to make sure she's still alive, where she (of course, just like a Knott) begins to kick and show off her "beautiful heartrates" as soon as she's hooked up to the monitor... and days where she makes up for the lack of kicks and movement by tricking me into thinking she has flipped to a breech position.


We are getting carpet installed in the nursery TODAY, and hopefully things will be ready and waiting by the weekend! And then we can start sending our "baby, come out!" thoughts to her and wait for the fireworks to begin!

sweet provision

This summer has been full of transitions. Transition from work to staying home. Transition from two incomes to one. Transition toward motherhood.

Jeremy and I have learned a lot about ourselves and each other this summer as we have been adjusting to life on one income. It's amazing how your values and priorities really shine through when you don't have money to buy everything you want.

I wouldn't say that we lived extravagant lives when we were both working, but we definitely lived in the luxury of buying clothes when we wanted them, going out to eat when we wanted to, going to movies without thinking twice, etc... You know, typical married-without-kids stuff.

Now, on one income, we are learning to live in the beauty of simplicity. Eating at home. Transforming date nights from full-dinner-dessert nights to eat-at-home-get-coffee-later date nights. The list goes on and on of things we have had to discuss, negotiate, and learn from each other. And it has been extremely beautiful and good for each of us as individuals, in our relationship with God, and our marriage and growing family.

The thing that I am most looking forward to about living on one income are the conversations that I have just mentioned: learning to value the eternal, to not cling to material things, to not value comfort or convenience over relationship or time spent with each other.

But also, it is the privilege to live in a position where we will monthly, weekly, daily be trusting God to provide for our needs - and to help us define our needs according to his sweet mercies.

Already this summer, as doubts have flooded my heart time and time again about whether or not I should have quit my job to stay home, God has affirmed (and reaffirmed) the decision with a quiet peace. And then, He has provided. Not everything we want. There are plenty of times I walk into BabyGap and see outfits (just on the sale rack even!) that I want but know aren't necessary. I don't buy plenty of things.

But the truth is, over time, there is such a sense of freedom and joy from not being a slave to consuming, not being a slave to buying into secular thinking.  And there is SUCH joy when we pare down our list of things from "wants" to "needs", and see God provide so faithfully.

Cribs, changing tables, car seats, strollers...gifts given from God's people, God's abundant resources, God's riches in Jesus.

I remember my parents living in this sweet reality as a child. I remember going garage saleing with my mom and hearing her pray outloud that God would provide exactly the school clothes or bike or shoes that He knew we needed at a price that we could afford. And He always did. He led us to the right sale, the right house, the right store. Time and time again, we watched and waited as He gave us exactly what we needed.

I know people looking in, especially those who haven't been able to trust God as a Father yet, might view this as a shallow view of God, a view of God that we appreciate because He's giving us everything we need. Sure we trust him when he's making life easier for us.

But you know what, that's not how I learned to trust God as a Father. I learned to trust God as a Father by watching Him give me what I needed in ways that were really painful. I watched Him take my family through a lot of really awful trials - deaths, cancer, more death, depression, sorrow, more depression, more sorrow. I personally have walked through a lot of seasons where it didn't feel like my needs were being met.

But they were. And in the quietness of those moments when I was crying out to God for rescue from suicide, from despair, from depression, He was building a slow, silent trust - a trust that, in the long run, would come to know that God giving us what we need doesn't apply to only material things, not only to money. It means that his Perfect Plan is so redemptive, so beautiful, so complete, that even when the pathway is filled with suffering, even when it feels like everyone around us is getting a better shot at life than we are, even when "tears are my food both day and night"...even then, I have learned to trust that God is giving me exactly what I need. And through this process of trusting God to meet my needs, I have learned that on every level - the material and tangible, the spiritual and unseen, in relationships, in the unknown times to come, that this Father, this God of goodness and abundant life, truly will provide for every single need through the riches that come through Jesus.

And oh, my, I am just so thankful for community and being eternal known by this Provisional, Good God.

it's official

well, folks.  I've been trying to figure out how to return from the blog-world hiatus with this news, so I guess I'll just come out and say it.

I'm pregnant.

The baby has bumped.  There's no hiding this belly. 17 weeks along, the baby is currently the size of...wait for it...an onion.

You read it right. An onion. Kind of weird. Not as cute as a raspberry or a peach, but that's how life goes.

Yesterday we heard the heartbeat, and it was very reassuring to hear it beating fast and strong. There's a real human in there, growing very, very quickly.

I will be sharing more details of this journey in the future, since last I shared on this blog was talk about adoption/not having babies biologically. It has been quite the process, and I am looking forward to sharing the ups and downs and ins and outs. But for now, I will sum up with the following truths:

God is extremely faithful, we are so thankful for this baby, and while these past four months have been very different than what I would have asked for in an ideal situation, God has stayed true to the promises that we clung to when my mom was dying of cancer:

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:2)

Stay tuned.

grieving and rejoicing

I hesitate to write about the emotions I have been experiencing these past few weeks, for fear that it will make my dear friends feel guilty or awkward around me in the midst of their pregnancies or new-mommy-hood. That is not my goal with this post.

I could not be happier for my friends who are expecting a baby. One of my friends, who is possible days (hours?) from meeting her little boy, is so lovely, so delightful, so honest in her pregnancy. I love being around her. I love talking with her about her baby. I love dreaming with her, laughing with her, agonizing with her when she shows me how big 10 centimeters is. I love pregnancy. I love babies.

Which is why this season of the explosion of pregnancies is so delightful for me...and also so agonizing.

I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I want to be pregnant.

And it seems like the answer is a resounding NO.

I've been wresting with the no. And I've been trying to grasp to enough faith to believe that this isn't a no, it's a yes to a different avenue toward motherhood.

I know there are so many fears that come in the 10 months of carrying a baby. Fears about labor, fears that the baby will be healthy, fears that you won't screw up a human being for the rest of their life, fears that you won't have enough money to pay for good counseling when they do end up screwed up...

But the fears that I'm experiencing right now feel so isolating. I think that's the hardest part for me, and especially for my husband, is that we feel so.alone. Nobody really understands the fears we face on the path toward foster parenting, towards adopting abused, neglected children.

It's a process of letting go of the picture perfect dreams I had built in my mind. It's letting go of the dream of seeing my husbands face in the face of my son, of seeing the face of my mother in the face of my daughter. It's a process of embracing imperfection, of realizing with joy that this is going to be a life lived in close communion with Jesus, or else it isn't going to work.

We start our foster parenting class this month. If all goes as planned and we get approved, we could have children in our home by February, if that's what the Lord has planned for us. So, in some ways, we could already be pregnant. Like I've mentioned before, its a different pregnant...but a time of growth, preparation and prayer, nonetheless.

If I could isolate one emotion about this whole process, it wouldn't be grief, though there has been a lot of it. It wouldn't be anger, though I certainly feel it. It's isolation. Loneliness. The bonds that come with pregnancy don't seem to apply to me. I don't feel like I belong in the mommy circles. I don't feel like anybody understands where we're at.

I've experienced this before...when my mom died, when I was depressed, when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But this time, it involves such a huge area of dreams...our entire future. Parenthood. And its just hard to not belong in the clubs where everyone else seems to be getting membership.

Anyways, this isn't to make anybody feel bad. I guess I just needed the world in general to know that beyond the hurt of not having babies or being pregnant, the feelings or isolation in this process are just difficult.

But the feelings of joy I felt tonight when I realized that I can start nesting - I can start getting bedrooms ready, buying clothing, getting life in order...oh man, that is exciting. So...can you be excited with me and try to understand that for me, this is what I need to make room in my heart and home for children that I don't get to connect with for 9 months in my womb? Because even though they won't be biologically mine, they will become mine...I love them already.

Will you love them with me?

my own little sufferings

I realize that there are people in the world who are really suffering. Hunger, persecution, watching your children wither away from starvation, prostitution, kidnappings, rape, abuse, infidelity, abandonment.

That is not my life.

And yet, I find myself entering into my own share in the world of suffering.

Coming to grips with my past has not been easy.

But coming to grips with my future is turning out to be not any easier.

I don't even have the words to explain it all, but if you're a praying person and you happen to love me, could you just pray for my heart?

It has been broken in the past, but this is a different type of breaking. A deep, dream-breaking that has me shedding a lot of tears, praying a lot of sad prayers, and hoping above all else that my Jesus who redeemed my soul is working to redeem this story.

The Reckoning

My heart is breathing this song right now.

How long?
How long?
How long until this curtain is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?

And I know You hear the cries of every soul tonight
You see the teardrops as they roll tonight
Down the faces of the saints
Who grow weary and faint in Your fields

How long?
How long?
How long until this curtain is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?

Oh, the reckoning

You are holiness and grace
You are fury and rest
You are anger and love
You curse and You bless
You are mighty and weak
You are silence and song
You are plain as the day
But you have hidden Your face--
For how long? How long?

And I am standing in the stillness of the reckoning
The storm is past and rest is beckoning
Mighty God, how I fear You
And I long to be near You, O Lord

(Andrew Peterson)

pretty good

"I know to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord...and from what I know of Him, that must be pretty good." [Sara Groves]

My mom is with Jesus. And my bet is, that's pretty good.

Miss her.