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July 1, 2010

Lost

I promise this is the last time I will write about this, but I've been dwelling on it quite a bit because I'm doing Breaking Free by Beth Moore right now, and we're talking about broken-heartedness, loss and grief right now-- three things with which I am well acquainted.

What I want to share is the sense of loss that I feel when I look at the fact that every season of my life will be affected by my being bipolar for the rest of my life.

I have been struggling with this for some time now, and after doing this morning's Bible study, I think I know now why this has been such a bitter aspect to accept.

I was nine years old when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was young, but a very capable little girl. I took on a lot of responsibilities at that age- both physical and emotional. I took care of my sister, I cleaned a lot, and I tried (as best as I could) to help take care of my mom.

When I was 13 years old, her cancer returned, this time with vengeance. The doctors here in the states told her there was no cure, and the prospect of doing chemotherapy again just to help extend her lifespan was more than she could handle, since the chemo had almost killed her twice throughout the last season of treatment. So as a 13 year old, one week after finding out my mom had cancer again, she and my dad flew to Mexico to do alternative treatments. I was so heartbroken. I feel like I grew up so much in those 3 weeks she was gone. All of us kids went to different homes to stay. I felt so alone.

When she returned, although I had my mom back, life just got harder and harder. I was older now, so I took on the responsibility of helping my mom bathe, get dressed (she had lost the use of her left arm, so she couldn't dress herself), do daily chores, go grocery shopping, cook, and take care of my sister. And then it got worse. Toward the end of her life, she had diabetes, so I was trained to take her blood and give her shots four times a day. I gave her some of her last baths, and had to see how the cancer had ravaged her body and left her so wounded.

In a few words, I'll just say that by the time I found myself sitting by my mother's bedside on the day she died, my childhood had been stripped away, never to be recovered.

I have grieved the loss of my childhood for years. I felt like within the last year or so I was finally "getting over" it...and now, I feel like in some ways, I am grieving the loss of my adulthood. I know that seems silly, and honestly, I am very prepared for the fact that life only gets harder from here. But I think there was this secret part of my heart that thought "maybe I'll have a break for a while before things get hard again."

I suppose the lovingkindness of the Lord that never fails will have to be my support, since it seems like God will continue to allow various trials and difficulties to come our way throughout the rest of our life.

My deepest hope is that at some point, I will honestly be able to say that it is all worth it, because it has helped me know Jesus more. I'm not there yet. But until I am, I will keep trusting Jesus in the small ways that I know how to and believe that He is faithful to complete in my life the work that He began in me.

1 comment:

  1. When you were 9, I remember thinking that you were not going to be a child anymore-you had taken on all of the responsibilities of an adult-you became a mom at the age of 9, to a certain degree. It has been interesting to read your posts as an adult and find out what you were really thinking as a little girl. Kaleb is 9 now, and I can't even imagine burdening him with the responsibilities of adulthood. Kayla, you were the only child I've ever known who could have taken on that type of responsibility at that age. God prepared you for the trials you were to face at a very young age, and now God is preparing you for future trials. He is a good God, Kayla, don't forget that. I don't think you realize how many lives you affected in a positive way...even at the age of 9.

    Losing your mom is a tough, tough thing, I know! I remember sitting on my mom's bed telling her that she could go home, just like you did. All of these experiences have made you the wonderful, young woman that you are now. It sucks having to go through all this, but God is walking beside you right now, holding you up, guiding and directing you in the path He wants you to take. Thanks for sharing all these things about your life....and don't feel like this needs to be your last post on the issue, either!! You may be helping someone else and not even know it!!

    Love you much!
    Karie

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