September 29, 2012
the nursery
Well, it was a long process, but my amazing husband didn't give up, and the nursery is finally ready to go!
I wish we had some good before pics - to summarize, it looked like a prison cell! :) Stone walls, concrete floor, cobwebby ceiling, pipes and vents exposed in the ceiling... it's a good feeling to have this finished! Our house when we moved in had a half-finished basement, so we moved our bedroom down into the large finished room and just lived with the unfinished part. It's amazing how refreshing it is to have it be so clean and ready for a baby!!
Good work Jeremy!!
September 12, 2012
catching up...
Here are a couple of pictures I have managed to coerce people into taking of me. It's hard to take maternity pictures. Harder than I thought they would be. It's just so awkward. What do you do with your hands? Do you hold the belly? Do you put your (huge) arms at your side? What angle is the best angle to eliminate as many chins and rolls as possible? It's an endless combination of awkward pictures...but we managed to get one good(ish) picture at a wedding back in August...I would have been just hitting 7 months when this first picture was taken!
And then this picture was taken right before my Lincoln baby shower, which was right after I hit the big 3-2!
I normally would have posted a picture of me currently, at 37 weeks (tomorrow!), however that would mean permanent (VISUAL) documentation of this special time in life...you know, that time when you get ready and put on makeup and look at yourself and think "Oh yeah, I look gooooooood!" but really you just look "good" in comparison to what you looked like before you put on makeup, which was "really not good..." and then you get out into the real world full of non bloated/pregnant women, and suddenly you understand why people have been staring at you. It's not because you're beautiful and radiant. It's because they're trying to decide why your face is so huge. :)
I'm joking of course. I know that I'm still gorgeous. Why, just this morning, I was shoving myself into a pair of underwear in an amazing feat of balance and grace. As I hoisted my legs up, squishing my huge belly into my rib cage to force myself into my undergarments, I thought "wow, this really is the epitome of beauty." And then, looking up at my husband as he choked back laughter (yes, he was watching me like we watch the monkeys attempt to do "normal human things" at the zoo) I saw it in his eyes as well. This really is a beautiful time.
Hahah, okay, I'm done. Anyways, I'm super happy to have made it to 37 weeks. We're getting down to business now, and Elliot is starting to head-butt her way down toward the place where all of our dreams will come true, which is exciting (read-painful and awkward).
At 37 weeks, she:
-has perfected the art of kicking my ribs just soft enough to not break them, but definitely hard enough to give me the guilt-inducing experience of trying not to swear at my unborn child.
-gets hiccups all the time. So cute (again, read- awkward...I can feel the little vibrations in all of the wrong places!) -has a "beautiful" heartbeat, according to all of the nurses. My little overachiever! I can't wait to see her ACT scores someday!!
-Alternates between days where she never moves, sending me into a panic-induced phone call to the midwife and trips to the hospital to make sure she's still alive, where she (of course, just like a Knott) begins to kick and show off her "beautiful heartrates" as soon as she's hooked up to the monitor... and days where she makes up for the lack of kicks and movement by tricking me into thinking she has flipped to a breech position.
We are getting carpet installed in the nursery TODAY, and hopefully things will be ready and waiting by the weekend! And then we can start sending our "baby, come out!" thoughts to her and wait for the fireworks to begin!
And then this picture was taken right before my Lincoln baby shower, which was right after I hit the big 3-2!
I normally would have posted a picture of me currently, at 37 weeks (tomorrow!), however that would mean permanent (VISUAL) documentation of this special time in life...you know, that time when you get ready and put on makeup and look at yourself and think "Oh yeah, I look gooooooood!" but really you just look "good" in comparison to what you looked like before you put on makeup, which was "really not good..." and then you get out into the real world full of non bloated/pregnant women, and suddenly you understand why people have been staring at you. It's not because you're beautiful and radiant. It's because they're trying to decide why your face is so huge. :)
I'm joking of course. I know that I'm still gorgeous. Why, just this morning, I was shoving myself into a pair of underwear in an amazing feat of balance and grace. As I hoisted my legs up, squishing my huge belly into my rib cage to force myself into my undergarments, I thought "wow, this really is the epitome of beauty." And then, looking up at my husband as he choked back laughter (yes, he was watching me like we watch the monkeys attempt to do "normal human things" at the zoo) I saw it in his eyes as well. This really is a beautiful time.
Hahah, okay, I'm done. Anyways, I'm super happy to have made it to 37 weeks. We're getting down to business now, and Elliot is starting to head-butt her way down toward the place where all of our dreams will come true, which is exciting (read-painful and awkward).
At 37 weeks, she:
-has perfected the art of kicking my ribs just soft enough to not break them, but definitely hard enough to give me the guilt-inducing experience of trying not to swear at my unborn child.
-gets hiccups all the time. So cute (again, read- awkward...I can feel the little vibrations in all of the wrong places!) -has a "beautiful" heartbeat, according to all of the nurses. My little overachiever! I can't wait to see her ACT scores someday!!
-Alternates between days where she never moves, sending me into a panic-induced phone call to the midwife and trips to the hospital to make sure she's still alive, where she (of course, just like a Knott) begins to kick and show off her "beautiful heartrates" as soon as she's hooked up to the monitor... and days where she makes up for the lack of kicks and movement by tricking me into thinking she has flipped to a breech position.
We are getting carpet installed in the nursery TODAY, and hopefully things will be ready and waiting by the weekend! And then we can start sending our "baby, come out!" thoughts to her and wait for the fireworks to begin!
August 27, 2012
sweet provision
This summer has been full of transitions. Transition from work to staying home. Transition from two incomes to one. Transition toward motherhood.
Jeremy and I have learned a lot about ourselves and each other this summer as we have been adjusting to life on one income. It's amazing how your values and priorities really shine through when you don't have money to buy everything you want.
I wouldn't say that we lived extravagant lives when we were both working, but we definitely lived in the luxury of buying clothes when we wanted them, going out to eat when we wanted to, going to movies without thinking twice, etc... You know, typical married-without-kids stuff.
Now, on one income, we are learning to live in the beauty of simplicity. Eating at home. Transforming date nights from full-dinner-dessert nights to eat-at-home-get-coffee-later date nights. The list goes on and on of things we have had to discuss, negotiate, and learn from each other. And it has been extremely beautiful and good for each of us as individuals, in our relationship with God, and our marriage and growing family.
The thing that I am most looking forward to about living on one income are the conversations that I have just mentioned: learning to value the eternal, to not cling to material things, to not value comfort or convenience over relationship or time spent with each other.
But also, it is the privilege to live in a position where we will monthly, weekly, daily be trusting God to provide for our needs - and to help us define our needs according to his sweet mercies.
Already this summer, as doubts have flooded my heart time and time again about whether or not I should have quit my job to stay home, God has affirmed (and reaffirmed) the decision with a quiet peace. And then, He has provided. Not everything we want. There are plenty of times I walk into BabyGap and see outfits (just on the sale rack even!) that I want but know aren't necessary. I don't buy plenty of things.
But the truth is, over time, there is such a sense of freedom and joy from not being a slave to consuming, not being a slave to buying into secular thinking. And there is SUCH joy when we pare down our list of things from "wants" to "needs", and see God provide so faithfully.
Cribs, changing tables, car seats, strollers...gifts given from God's people, God's abundant resources, God's riches in Jesus.
I remember my parents living in this sweet reality as a child. I remember going garage saleing with my mom and hearing her pray outloud that God would provide exactly the school clothes or bike or shoes that He knew we needed at a price that we could afford. And He always did. He led us to the right sale, the right house, the right store. Time and time again, we watched and waited as He gave us exactly what we needed.
I know people looking in, especially those who haven't been able to trust God as a Father yet, might view this as a shallow view of God, a view of God that we appreciate because He's giving us everything we need. Sure we trust him when he's making life easier for us.
But you know what, that's not how I learned to trust God as a Father. I learned to trust God as a Father by watching Him give me what I needed in ways that were really painful. I watched Him take my family through a lot of really awful trials - deaths, cancer, more death, depression, sorrow, more depression, more sorrow. I personally have walked through a lot of seasons where it didn't feel like my needs were being met.
But they were. And in the quietness of those moments when I was crying out to God for rescue from suicide, from despair, from depression, He was building a slow, silent trust - a trust that, in the long run, would come to know that God giving us what we need doesn't apply to only material things, not only to money. It means that his Perfect Plan is so redemptive, so beautiful, so complete, that even when the pathway is filled with suffering, even when it feels like everyone around us is getting a better shot at life than we are, even when "tears are my food both day and night"...even then, I have learned to trust that God is giving me exactly what I need. And through this process of trusting God to meet my needs, I have learned that on every level - the material and tangible, the spiritual and unseen, in relationships, in the unknown times to come, that this Father, this God of goodness and abundant life, truly will provide for every single need through the riches that come through Jesus.
And oh, my, I am just so thankful for community and being eternal known by this Provisional, Good God.
Jeremy and I have learned a lot about ourselves and each other this summer as we have been adjusting to life on one income. It's amazing how your values and priorities really shine through when you don't have money to buy everything you want.
I wouldn't say that we lived extravagant lives when we were both working, but we definitely lived in the luxury of buying clothes when we wanted them, going out to eat when we wanted to, going to movies without thinking twice, etc... You know, typical married-without-kids stuff.
Now, on one income, we are learning to live in the beauty of simplicity. Eating at home. Transforming date nights from full-dinner-dessert nights to eat-at-home-get-coffee-later date nights. The list goes on and on of things we have had to discuss, negotiate, and learn from each other. And it has been extremely beautiful and good for each of us as individuals, in our relationship with God, and our marriage and growing family.
The thing that I am most looking forward to about living on one income are the conversations that I have just mentioned: learning to value the eternal, to not cling to material things, to not value comfort or convenience over relationship or time spent with each other.
But also, it is the privilege to live in a position where we will monthly, weekly, daily be trusting God to provide for our needs - and to help us define our needs according to his sweet mercies.
Already this summer, as doubts have flooded my heart time and time again about whether or not I should have quit my job to stay home, God has affirmed (and reaffirmed) the decision with a quiet peace. And then, He has provided. Not everything we want. There are plenty of times I walk into BabyGap and see outfits (just on the sale rack even!) that I want but know aren't necessary. I don't buy plenty of things.
But the truth is, over time, there is such a sense of freedom and joy from not being a slave to consuming, not being a slave to buying into secular thinking. And there is SUCH joy when we pare down our list of things from "wants" to "needs", and see God provide so faithfully.
Cribs, changing tables, car seats, strollers...gifts given from God's people, God's abundant resources, God's riches in Jesus.
I remember my parents living in this sweet reality as a child. I remember going garage saleing with my mom and hearing her pray outloud that God would provide exactly the school clothes or bike or shoes that He knew we needed at a price that we could afford. And He always did. He led us to the right sale, the right house, the right store. Time and time again, we watched and waited as He gave us exactly what we needed.
I know people looking in, especially those who haven't been able to trust God as a Father yet, might view this as a shallow view of God, a view of God that we appreciate because He's giving us everything we need. Sure we trust him when he's making life easier for us.
But you know what, that's not how I learned to trust God as a Father. I learned to trust God as a Father by watching Him give me what I needed in ways that were really painful. I watched Him take my family through a lot of really awful trials - deaths, cancer, more death, depression, sorrow, more depression, more sorrow. I personally have walked through a lot of seasons where it didn't feel like my needs were being met.
But they were. And in the quietness of those moments when I was crying out to God for rescue from suicide, from despair, from depression, He was building a slow, silent trust - a trust that, in the long run, would come to know that God giving us what we need doesn't apply to only material things, not only to money. It means that his Perfect Plan is so redemptive, so beautiful, so complete, that even when the pathway is filled with suffering, even when it feels like everyone around us is getting a better shot at life than we are, even when "tears are my food both day and night"...even then, I have learned to trust that God is giving me exactly what I need. And through this process of trusting God to meet my needs, I have learned that on every level - the material and tangible, the spiritual and unseen, in relationships, in the unknown times to come, that this Father, this God of goodness and abundant life, truly will provide for every single need through the riches that come through Jesus.
And oh, my, I am just so thankful for community and being eternal known by this Provisional, Good God.
April 26, 2012
it's official
well, folks. I've been trying to figure out how to return from the blog-world hiatus with this news, so I guess I'll just come out and say it.
I'm pregnant.
The baby has bumped. There's no hiding this belly. 17 weeks along, the baby is currently the size of...wait for it...an onion.
You read it right. An onion. Kind of weird. Not as cute as a raspberry or a peach, but that's how life goes.
Yesterday we heard the heartbeat, and it was very reassuring to hear it beating fast and strong. There's a real human in there, growing very, very quickly.
I will be sharing more details of this journey in the future, since last I shared on this blog was talk about adoption/not having babies biologically. It has been quite the process, and I am looking forward to sharing the ups and downs and ins and outs. But for now, I will sum up with the following truths:
God is extremely faithful, we are so thankful for this baby, and while these past four months have been very different than what I would have asked for in an ideal situation, God has stayed true to the promises that we clung to when my mom was dying of cancer:
When you pass through the waters,
I'm pregnant.
The baby has bumped. There's no hiding this belly. 17 weeks along, the baby is currently the size of...wait for it...an onion.
You read it right. An onion. Kind of weird. Not as cute as a raspberry or a peach, but that's how life goes.
Yesterday we heard the heartbeat, and it was very reassuring to hear it beating fast and strong. There's a real human in there, growing very, very quickly.
I will be sharing more details of this journey in the future, since last I shared on this blog was talk about adoption/not having babies biologically. It has been quite the process, and I am looking forward to sharing the ups and downs and ins and outs. But for now, I will sum up with the following truths:
God is extremely faithful, we are so thankful for this baby, and while these past four months have been very different than what I would have asked for in an ideal situation, God has stayed true to the promises that we clung to when my mom was dying of cancer:
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:2)
Stay tuned.
October 8, 2011
grieving and rejoicing
I hesitate to write about the emotions I have been experiencing these past few weeks, for fear that it will make my dear friends feel guilty or awkward around me in the midst of their pregnancies or new-mommy-hood. That is not my goal with this post.
I could not be happier for my friends who are expecting a baby. One of my friends, who is possible days (hours?) from meeting her little boy, is so lovely, so delightful, so honest in her pregnancy. I love being around her. I love talking with her about her baby. I love dreaming with her, laughing with her, agonizing with her when she shows me how big 10 centimeters is. I love pregnancy. I love babies.
Which is why this season of the explosion of pregnancies is so delightful for me...and also so agonizing.
I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I want to be pregnant.
And it seems like the answer is a resounding NO.
I've been wresting with the no. And I've been trying to grasp to enough faith to believe that this isn't a no, it's a yes to a different avenue toward motherhood.
I know there are so many fears that come in the 10 months of carrying a baby. Fears about labor, fears that the baby will be healthy, fears that you won't screw up a human being for the rest of their life, fears that you won't have enough money to pay for good counseling when they do end up screwed up...
But the fears that I'm experiencing right now feel so isolating. I think that's the hardest part for me, and especially for my husband, is that we feel so.alone. Nobody really understands the fears we face on the path toward foster parenting, towards adopting abused, neglected children.
It's a process of letting go of the picture perfect dreams I had built in my mind. It's letting go of the dream of seeing my husbands face in the face of my son, of seeing the face of my mother in the face of my daughter. It's a process of embracing imperfection, of realizing with joy that this is going to be a life lived in close communion with Jesus, or else it isn't going to work.
We start our foster parenting class this month. If all goes as planned and we get approved, we could have children in our home by February, if that's what the Lord has planned for us. So, in some ways, we could already be pregnant. Like I've mentioned before, its a different pregnant...but a time of growth, preparation and prayer, nonetheless.
If I could isolate one emotion about this whole process, it wouldn't be grief, though there has been a lot of it. It wouldn't be anger, though I certainly feel it. It's isolation. Loneliness. The bonds that come with pregnancy don't seem to apply to me. I don't feel like I belong in the mommy circles. I don't feel like anybody understands where we're at.
I've experienced this before...when my mom died, when I was depressed, when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But this time, it involves such a huge area of dreams...our entire future. Parenthood. And its just hard to not belong in the clubs where everyone else seems to be getting membership.
Anyways, this isn't to make anybody feel bad. I guess I just needed the world in general to know that beyond the hurt of not having babies or being pregnant, the feelings or isolation in this process are just difficult.
But the feelings of joy I felt tonight when I realized that I can start nesting - I can start getting bedrooms ready, buying clothing, getting life in order...oh man, that is exciting. So...can you be excited with me and try to understand that for me, this is what I need to make room in my heart and home for children that I don't get to connect with for 9 months in my womb? Because even though they won't be biologically mine, they will become mine...I love them already.
Will you love them with me?
I could not be happier for my friends who are expecting a baby. One of my friends, who is possible days (hours?) from meeting her little boy, is so lovely, so delightful, so honest in her pregnancy. I love being around her. I love talking with her about her baby. I love dreaming with her, laughing with her, agonizing with her when she shows me how big 10 centimeters is. I love pregnancy. I love babies.
Which is why this season of the explosion of pregnancies is so delightful for me...and also so agonizing.
I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I want to be pregnant.
And it seems like the answer is a resounding NO.
I've been wresting with the no. And I've been trying to grasp to enough faith to believe that this isn't a no, it's a yes to a different avenue toward motherhood.
I know there are so many fears that come in the 10 months of carrying a baby. Fears about labor, fears that the baby will be healthy, fears that you won't screw up a human being for the rest of their life, fears that you won't have enough money to pay for good counseling when they do end up screwed up...
But the fears that I'm experiencing right now feel so isolating. I think that's the hardest part for me, and especially for my husband, is that we feel so.alone. Nobody really understands the fears we face on the path toward foster parenting, towards adopting abused, neglected children.
It's a process of letting go of the picture perfect dreams I had built in my mind. It's letting go of the dream of seeing my husbands face in the face of my son, of seeing the face of my mother in the face of my daughter. It's a process of embracing imperfection, of realizing with joy that this is going to be a life lived in close communion with Jesus, or else it isn't going to work.
We start our foster parenting class this month. If all goes as planned and we get approved, we could have children in our home by February, if that's what the Lord has planned for us. So, in some ways, we could already be pregnant. Like I've mentioned before, its a different pregnant...but a time of growth, preparation and prayer, nonetheless.
If I could isolate one emotion about this whole process, it wouldn't be grief, though there has been a lot of it. It wouldn't be anger, though I certainly feel it. It's isolation. Loneliness. The bonds that come with pregnancy don't seem to apply to me. I don't feel like I belong in the mommy circles. I don't feel like anybody understands where we're at.
I've experienced this before...when my mom died, when I was depressed, when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But this time, it involves such a huge area of dreams...our entire future. Parenthood. And its just hard to not belong in the clubs where everyone else seems to be getting membership.
Anyways, this isn't to make anybody feel bad. I guess I just needed the world in general to know that beyond the hurt of not having babies or being pregnant, the feelings or isolation in this process are just difficult.
But the feelings of joy I felt tonight when I realized that I can start nesting - I can start getting bedrooms ready, buying clothing, getting life in order...oh man, that is exciting. So...can you be excited with me and try to understand that for me, this is what I need to make room in my heart and home for children that I don't get to connect with for 9 months in my womb? Because even though they won't be biologically mine, they will become mine...I love them already.
Will you love them with me?
September 18, 2011
my own little sufferings
I realize that there are people in the world who are really suffering. Hunger, persecution, watching your children wither away from starvation, prostitution, kidnappings, rape, abuse, infidelity, abandonment.
That is not my life.
And yet, I find myself entering into my own share in the world of suffering.
Coming to grips with my past has not been easy.
But coming to grips with my future is turning out to be not any easier.
I don't even have the words to explain it all, but if you're a praying person and you happen to love me, could you just pray for my heart?
It has been broken in the past, but this is a different type of breaking. A deep, dream-breaking that has me shedding a lot of tears, praying a lot of sad prayers, and hoping above all else that my Jesus who redeemed my soul is working to redeem this story.
That is not my life.
And yet, I find myself entering into my own share in the world of suffering.
Coming to grips with my past has not been easy.
But coming to grips with my future is turning out to be not any easier.
I don't even have the words to explain it all, but if you're a praying person and you happen to love me, could you just pray for my heart?
It has been broken in the past, but this is a different type of breaking. A deep, dream-breaking that has me shedding a lot of tears, praying a lot of sad prayers, and hoping above all else that my Jesus who redeemed my soul is working to redeem this story.
September 17, 2011
The Reckoning
My heart is breathing this song right now.
How long?
How long?
How long until this curtain is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?
And I know You hear the cries of every soul tonight
You see the teardrops as they roll tonight
Down the faces of the saints
Who grow weary and faint in Your fields
How long?
How long?
How long until this curtain is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?
Oh, the reckoning
You are holiness and grace
You are fury and rest
You are anger and love
You curse and You bless
You are mighty and weak
You are silence and song
You are plain as the day
But you have hidden Your face--
For how long? How long?
And I am standing in the stillness of the reckoning
The storm is past and rest is beckoning
Mighty God, how I fear You
And I long to be near You, O Lord
(Andrew Peterson)
How long?
How long?
How long until this curtain is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?
And I know You hear the cries of every soul tonight
You see the teardrops as they roll tonight
Down the faces of the saints
Who grow weary and faint in Your fields
How long?
How long?
How long until this curtain is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?
Oh, the reckoning
You are holiness and grace
You are fury and rest
You are anger and love
You curse and You bless
You are mighty and weak
You are silence and song
You are plain as the day
But you have hidden Your face--
For how long? How long?
And I am standing in the stillness of the reckoning
The storm is past and rest is beckoning
Mighty God, how I fear You
And I long to be near You, O Lord
(Andrew Peterson)
July 9, 2011
pretty good
"I know to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord...and from what I know of Him, that must be pretty good." [Sara Groves]
My mom is with Jesus. And my bet is, that's pretty good.
Miss her.
needs, prayers, and dreams
We had our first meeting with the foster care organization we are planning on working with last night. It was really encouraging. Throughout the conversation, we began to talk about the students who are least likely to be placed, and what types of "troubles" we would view as something we would not be willing to work with.
It's hard to say at this point. The hopeful part of me wants to bank on unconditional love and God's grace as coating any situation that we might enter into, but I know that doesn't mean it would be easy.
We are praying. Praying a lot right now. We have time. Our training doesn't start until October, which would mean that the soonest we could have children placed in our home would be around February. Which, honestly, feels really soon!
We are entering a new season of trust. It's just so crazy how my heart and my husband's heart is changing, being shaped by God for a new ministry.
Like, the ministry of giving hope and a home to pregnant teenage girls. Ever since it was mentioned last night as the most difficult to place, I haven't been able to stop thinking about these girls, homeless, pregnant, lost in a cycle they can't get out of without the grace of God.
Turns out that our type of situation is actually ideal for housing teenage girls who are expecting, because a lot of times foster homes turn them down because they already have young children, impressionable children, who they don't want being exposed to the complexities of that situation.
It makes me wonder whether or not we could do that. I just don't know. My heart aches for these girls, especially after watching one of my students carry a baby all through last school year. So we pray. And wait. And wonder what type of ministry God has in store for us.
I was at my friend's baby shower tonight. She's the first in our bible study to get pregnant. They talked about names. They felt her tummy. They showered her with gifts. And I'll be honest. There was a dull ache in my heart. But to be honest, it's less and less every day. Because there is a new growth in my heart now, a new dream. And now I find myself making room for plans bigger than mine, plans different, yes, but oh so beautiful.
I think of the experiences I have lived through, the families God has blessed us with, and the gifts and abilities Jeremy and I both have, and I smile thinking that God has something so specifically perfect in mind for us, it will surpass whatever we initially thought was the ideal family we would someday have.
I always wanted a big family. I wanted lots of pictures on the walls, lots of weddings to plan, lots of birthdays and celebrations and tons of kids gathered around the Christmas tree. And it seems like, in a special way, God may exceed my expectations. I wanted 5 kids. But it actually seems like we might get the chance to help care for more than I even imagined. That is amazing to me. A dream that makes me feel so alive and hopeful I just can't believe how sweet Jesus is.
It's hard to say at this point. The hopeful part of me wants to bank on unconditional love and God's grace as coating any situation that we might enter into, but I know that doesn't mean it would be easy.
We are praying. Praying a lot right now. We have time. Our training doesn't start until October, which would mean that the soonest we could have children placed in our home would be around February. Which, honestly, feels really soon!
We are entering a new season of trust. It's just so crazy how my heart and my husband's heart is changing, being shaped by God for a new ministry.
Like, the ministry of giving hope and a home to pregnant teenage girls. Ever since it was mentioned last night as the most difficult to place, I haven't been able to stop thinking about these girls, homeless, pregnant, lost in a cycle they can't get out of without the grace of God.
Turns out that our type of situation is actually ideal for housing teenage girls who are expecting, because a lot of times foster homes turn them down because they already have young children, impressionable children, who they don't want being exposed to the complexities of that situation.
It makes me wonder whether or not we could do that. I just don't know. My heart aches for these girls, especially after watching one of my students carry a baby all through last school year. So we pray. And wait. And wonder what type of ministry God has in store for us.
I was at my friend's baby shower tonight. She's the first in our bible study to get pregnant. They talked about names. They felt her tummy. They showered her with gifts. And I'll be honest. There was a dull ache in my heart. But to be honest, it's less and less every day. Because there is a new growth in my heart now, a new dream. And now I find myself making room for plans bigger than mine, plans different, yes, but oh so beautiful.
I think of the experiences I have lived through, the families God has blessed us with, and the gifts and abilities Jeremy and I both have, and I smile thinking that God has something so specifically perfect in mind for us, it will surpass whatever we initially thought was the ideal family we would someday have.
I always wanted a big family. I wanted lots of pictures on the walls, lots of weddings to plan, lots of birthdays and celebrations and tons of kids gathered around the Christmas tree. And it seems like, in a special way, God may exceed my expectations. I wanted 5 kids. But it actually seems like we might get the chance to help care for more than I even imagined. That is amazing to me. A dream that makes me feel so alive and hopeful I just can't believe how sweet Jesus is.
June 22, 2011
doors
My husband and I have been working through the details of our next step recently.
I met with my psychiatrist a few weeks ago to discuss medication approved to take during pregnancy. There is one medication (that I am on now, and is working great!) that is approved for 2nd and 3rd trimester. But my secondary medication, which I really need to be stable and happy, is not approved for pregnancy. And even this medication that is approved is only approved for 2nd and 3rd, which would mean I would have to be off all medication while we were trying to get pregnant up through the 3rd trimester. The only alternative medication there is available is electroshock therapy, which is where you go in three times a week for as long as is needed for the doctors to give your brain a controlled seizure in your brain. Scary.
So we have been praying through this a lot. And to be honest, even though the door isn't completely closed, I am definitely grieving. I have dreamed of being pregnant for such a long time. And my mom loved being pregnant, so I grew up dreaming about how great it would be, how good it would feel, how wonderful that time would be.
I have had some good conversations with some dear women over the past week that have helped me see other options we have, however. Adoption is something that has always been on our hearts, something we considered even if we did have a few of our own children biologically. And my friend Ashley gave me a lot of hope about the process of adoption, the joy of mother hood, and, as she put it, how genes don't matter at all when it comes to loving your child.
The door to biological children feels like it's closing, but there's this amazing process happening in my heart, a process of joyful expectation, looking forward to a different type of pregnancy and waiting, a different type of laboring.
We have been praying and talking a lot about becoming Foster Parents. This is something fairly new in our minds, but is taking root quickly as we talk about what it means to be Jesus in this world. We both have such full hearts when we realize that bringing a child into a home where he or she can be loved without reserve or conditions is exactly what God our Father has and is doing for us. Especially me.
Yesterday I was crying in the shower, feeling heavy hearted, praying about becoming foster parents, closing one door, walking through another seemingly open door.
I got out of the shower, looked on facebook, and saw a recent post from the local children's emergency care home, a plea for people to become foster parents. Apparently they are experiencing the greatest shortage ever right now in our area, having to turn down 30 children every week that need to be placed in a home.
We're still not absolutely certain about anything and are taking slow steps, but that definitely felt like a bit of confirmation from the Lord that there is a definite need, and that he has planted the desire in our hearts to meet that need.
It really is breathing life into me to be a part of something bigger than me, and bigger even than the dreams I had for myself.
As Jeremy put it yesterday, this marriage has brought us into a new season of choosing not to live life selfishly or for ourselves. It gives us a lot of joy to think of sacrificing for the sake of the gospel, giving up our independence and opening our hearts and home to love children who need security, hope and love. We know it wouldn't be easy. In fact, reading about sexual and physical abuse in children has us both very aware of just how difficult this could be. But when God calls you to something, all of a sudden those scary things that you never thought you would do begin to feel like exactly what you have to do.
We have an informational meeting on Thursday night. Pray for us. Pray that our hearts would be united, that the timing would be God's and not ours, and that we would continue to grow in knowing Jesus, our Father who has rescued us from darkness and brought us into his family as adopted heirs.
I met with my psychiatrist a few weeks ago to discuss medication approved to take during pregnancy. There is one medication (that I am on now, and is working great!) that is approved for 2nd and 3rd trimester. But my secondary medication, which I really need to be stable and happy, is not approved for pregnancy. And even this medication that is approved is only approved for 2nd and 3rd, which would mean I would have to be off all medication while we were trying to get pregnant up through the 3rd trimester. The only alternative medication there is available is electroshock therapy, which is where you go in three times a week for as long as is needed for the doctors to give your brain a controlled seizure in your brain. Scary.
So we have been praying through this a lot. And to be honest, even though the door isn't completely closed, I am definitely grieving. I have dreamed of being pregnant for such a long time. And my mom loved being pregnant, so I grew up dreaming about how great it would be, how good it would feel, how wonderful that time would be.
I have had some good conversations with some dear women over the past week that have helped me see other options we have, however. Adoption is something that has always been on our hearts, something we considered even if we did have a few of our own children biologically. And my friend Ashley gave me a lot of hope about the process of adoption, the joy of mother hood, and, as she put it, how genes don't matter at all when it comes to loving your child.
The door to biological children feels like it's closing, but there's this amazing process happening in my heart, a process of joyful expectation, looking forward to a different type of pregnancy and waiting, a different type of laboring.
We have been praying and talking a lot about becoming Foster Parents. This is something fairly new in our minds, but is taking root quickly as we talk about what it means to be Jesus in this world. We both have such full hearts when we realize that bringing a child into a home where he or she can be loved without reserve or conditions is exactly what God our Father has and is doing for us. Especially me.
Yesterday I was crying in the shower, feeling heavy hearted, praying about becoming foster parents, closing one door, walking through another seemingly open door.
I got out of the shower, looked on facebook, and saw a recent post from the local children's emergency care home, a plea for people to become foster parents. Apparently they are experiencing the greatest shortage ever right now in our area, having to turn down 30 children every week that need to be placed in a home.
We're still not absolutely certain about anything and are taking slow steps, but that definitely felt like a bit of confirmation from the Lord that there is a definite need, and that he has planted the desire in our hearts to meet that need.
It really is breathing life into me to be a part of something bigger than me, and bigger even than the dreams I had for myself.
As Jeremy put it yesterday, this marriage has brought us into a new season of choosing not to live life selfishly or for ourselves. It gives us a lot of joy to think of sacrificing for the sake of the gospel, giving up our independence and opening our hearts and home to love children who need security, hope and love. We know it wouldn't be easy. In fact, reading about sexual and physical abuse in children has us both very aware of just how difficult this could be. But when God calls you to something, all of a sudden those scary things that you never thought you would do begin to feel like exactly what you have to do.
We have an informational meeting on Thursday night. Pray for us. Pray that our hearts would be united, that the timing would be God's and not ours, and that we would continue to grow in knowing Jesus, our Father who has rescued us from darkness and brought us into his family as adopted heirs.
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