valentines day

I never got around to posting pictures from Valentines Day. It was a super fun evening with my hubby. I know Valentines Day is just a commercial holiday and blah blah blah but to be honest, after you've been married for a while it's easy to lose track of time and not make as many special evenings as you probably should. So for us, this was a really fun time to make a special dinner and have a date night.

We had steak and potatoes (yummmmm) and sauteed Asparagus (love)...

...and watched Once, one of my favorites which Jeremy had never seen before. The music is absolutely amazing, and the accents and different words (set in Ireland) are so much fun!

At school Jeremy sent me flowers, which was super special and fun. I still get butterflies in my stomach when he surprises me with sweet things like that.

A very fun reason to hang out with my best friend Jerbear, eat good food, and delight in a beautiful story.

thanks.filled

A year ago this time I was walking through the toughest, most agonizing, most depressed season of my life. Tonight I was thinking about my husband, about how amazing of a man he is, about how thankful I am for this beautiful gift God gave to me.

What I love most about Jeremy is that he loves people so well. He sees me for who Jesus made me to be, the woman I am becoming. He has always fought for me, always held out hope for me when I thought all hope was lost. He is such a man of faith. Within the first two months of dating me he walked with me through the third most difficult depression I have ever faced. Two weeks after proposing to me, he walked with me through the second most difficult depression. Three weeks before our wedding, he walked with me through my bipolar diagnosis. And two weeks after we got married, he walked with me through the deepest, darkest, longest depression I have (and hope to ever) face. He trusted God through every season, and always seemed so thankful to be a part of my life, even when I was depressed and had nothing to offer. He always has treated me like I am a precious gift, no matter what the circumstances, no matter how helpless and hopeless I may be.

A year ago, we went out into the country on a therapy-date and took these pictures - at that time, I found hope in capturing beauty outside of me. That was the hardest autumn of my life, but surprisingly, that fall holds some of my sweetest memories. I have never felt more fully loved, cared for, or cherished.

I am so proud of Jeremy, and so extremely blessed to call him mine. Being loved with a love like this changes a person forever. I will never be the same. 

held

Tonight I played the song "I'll be seeing you" by Billie Holiday for Jeremy. I love this song, partially because I love Billie Holiday, and partially because I love the way the song is played throughout the movie The Notebook. Listening to this song made me think of The Notebook tonight.

And then I remembered the future sorrows that may or may not be mine. Bipolar disorder is connected medically (though not in absolute ways) to dementia. It is thought by some researchers that bipolar disorder leads to dementia later on in life. Some studies say that if bipolar is treated correctly, it will not lead to dementia. This is what we are hoping for. Still, the fear is there, and as I thought of this possibility, I began to cry.

The movie portrays such a heartbreaking story as the husband stays with his wife through the gradual, horrific battle of losing herself to dementia. It breaks my heart to think of Jeremy having to deal with something as horrific as watching a wife suffer from dementia...and it breaks my heart to think of someday being lost in my own mind, having forgotten everything I hold dear. Every memory, every person, every joy.

It's hard to believe sorrows like this are commonplace here on earth. Growing old is such a horrible experience for so many. I have so many good (i hope) years ahead of me. I have to believe that the God who has held me so far will continue to hold me, no matter what I face.

And though I face the fear of what may come, I am so thankful to be facing it with someone. So thankful for the man who came quickly to my side, as soon as I began to cry tonight, and held me until I had cried my last tear. I'm thankful for the moments I have with him now, and have to trust God to preserve us in the future, whatever the future may be.